Poke This

Helvetica

2008-07-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

I felt more like getting laid then playing cards on Thursday, so after about two hours I excused myself and headed to a booty text. I wasn’t getting any cards and there were people waiting to sit, so I walked with forty and dropped my extra six dollars to the short stack, Nick, he had been getting slammed all night.

So Sunday evening came along, I got a call from Dom; he asked if I wanted to roll through and play some cards. I was delighted to attend, it was so cold that I doubled up the layers and stopped at the ATM. I normally buy beer for the game, but I’m cutting back the cash flow I out put. It was a small crowd, 100arie, Mi Boy, Dom, BOY ROY, and I. They forced me to play Omaha HiLo, I know who to play, I’m just not that great at it, mostly because it has been so long since the day in Long Beach where dealer calls the game in cash game, and we played all games, so basically I’m out of practice.

In Omaha HiLo you get four hold cards in your hand, and five on the board. Two cards in your hand must play for your five best or worst cards. A low hand must be five cards under the number 8, and the high must be really high. Lot of straight, full houses, and flushes, everyone has a big boys in their palm. Roy called me and sucked out on me so ridiculously I was about to snap. The boys hooked me up a few free rolls so it made me feel better. Worst hand, I have QQ and A2 in my hand, there isn’t a better hand out there. I go all in with about 80 bucks, and he calls and sucks out on me, there was no low hand and he got a straight. What kind of luck do I have?

Mi Boy tells us of his latest Netflix delivery about facetype, he’s a big nerd. After much second hand he told us of the mystery of Helvetica being the most used font in all the land. Chadwick starts a verbal attack about Mi Boy being a big dork, and why doesn’t he have better things to do with his time, he’s a big pussy for being obsessed with documentaries of the super lame nature. Chad should have kept his mouth shut because he was so busy talking shit that he didn’t notice he was getting reeled in to a major suck out, his pocket K’s got CRACKKKKED by the window deuce, Mi Boy called a $47 pot with pocket 2s.

It was pretty funny that in the heat of their shit talking Mi Boy got the last word and all night long he pointed out any commercial on the tube that used Helvetica as the font. Ironically Helvetica is not available on Blogger as a font option.

I'm back!!!!

2007-10-04T10:51:00.001-07:00

Kind of funny how we seem to have parking assignments at The Monkey Casino, It’s a big corner house. I park on the side neighbors curb right after the stop sign, behind X’s truck. Chadwick’s blazer kissing the street sign, 1000aire parked facing the house, Dom parked in the red across the street with a fire hydrant because he’s our alpha male and why shouldn’t he?

I want to keep up with my writing but my new exciting job is keeping me very busy. I still make time for Thursday night poker but haven’t had time to get laid in months. I did in fact kiss a Monkey a few weeks ago, just for fun, I was bored. I had never kissed any of the players from the game, and I’ve known then all for so long from very different avenues of my life, it’s only a coincidence three years later I play cards with them regularly, and well it was time for at least of them to know.

I’ve had a few protests lately, all surrounding Boy Roy, he’s gotten pretty cocky. He buys the table every week, just keeps buying in for more and more every time till he get hot and buys pot after pot. Creepy the way friend can begin to act over money. I lost a horrible hand to him last Thursday, I had two pair on the flop, they skipped my check, Roy bets ten, Dom calls, Chuck comes all in with eight-teen of his chips, I call my all in with 78 on top of the 18, and Boy Roy calls, and rivers me with a flush, like a dirty little dog, I was drunk and pissed, he offered me a free roll of 10 bucks but I was too mad to bother, I left and in protest will not be playing this Thursday night.

I have been playing with a group of people that have an online organization, we do meet in person and they are a lot of people from the west side of Los Angeles, and although I work out there and mesh well, I do feel like the groups token Mexican chick. At the very least they all play well and I have place a few times at the tournaments that I’ve signed up for. Its very different then a regular casino, for one they are all a bit poshy, they all have money and are well educated. I never really play or hang out for that matter outside my ethnicity not by choice but by location. Now I’m playing cards with Asians, Jews and Brothas, it’s good for me to get some diversity in my life. T

This Sunday they are having a birthday party, potluck, tournament, which gives me something new to do and show off my cooking skills. I am a really good cook.

Recap, I am protesting the Monkey Casino tonight, it will be the first Thursday I’ve missed in months, but I have to do it.

6/3/07

2007-08-15T23:25:00.001-07:00

Last night was an eye opener, no Dahmer, no Stoner, no Big Blind Brian, sure Schteve, 1000aire and Mi Boy, Chuck, and Chadwick were stapled to the table. It just didn't feel the same, the interesting addition was a girl by the nick name of of "Precious Moments" because her skin is so fair that she looks like one of that statuettes that Hallmark sells. First timers have awful luck and win all the time, its a draw in, it happens all the time and the poor sucker is hooked, never to win again until he learns the sport better by playing more often which means losing more money. The deal didn't even make it around the table twice before she took Roy, Chadwhick and myself out of the game. I went home with an ugly suspicion that Mi Boy is macking on her, I don't like it, there are some back issues like I really really dig his ex that he should have never broke up with. She is still heart broken and my friend so its hard to separate from the underlined issues when friends break up.

So I have Ace, Two Clubs, I call the three chip raise and see two more clubs on the flop of eight, nine, and ten of Diamonds, Precious Moments bets out ten chips, value for me , I call, ten of clubs in hits the turn, there it is my Ace high nut flush, so I push all in, she calls and turns pocket 8s over, the dumb ass didn't even know she had won the hand until Mi Boy told her, I was angry and left early to go have some cocktails with my Sister and Brother.

I've been way too lazy to post, I even started a few and just didn't finish, it happens a lot, I need a muse, I need to get laid, and things are looking up in that department, I got a new job and I'm more than sure there will be a huge pool of men in my near future!

Boy Roy

2007-04-14T15:39:00.001-07:00

Boy Roy joined our crew via me. A long time acquaintance of my brothers, he became a client of mine and after many hours of talking about poke he came to the Monkey Casino. Probably close to nine months ago on a rainy Tournament night he showed up and hasn’t missed a Sunday or Thursday since.

Lately Boy Roy has been doing a lot of house clean, leaving the Monkey Casino with about five hundred dollars a night. Although he is a super nice guy, we all hate him, a lot. They blame me for bringing him and we talk badly about him like he isn’t in the room all the time. Its rolling joke when someone yells out “Roy’s an asshole”..Or “I hate Roy” or “Fuck Roy” he just sits there like the nice quiet guy that he is, defend his play and keeps winning our money. On Thursday Chadwick shouted out “I hate you Roy. I hate you so much if you died I wouldn’t come to your funeral” then he recanted “No, I would come to your funeral” I jump in “You better come to his funeral”. “Bullshit, I’m not coming” Chadwick answers me. “I’ll go” Charles adds, “I’d come” Stoner says calmly. Dahmer not paying attention like always, asks “Where are you all going” I answer “To Roy funeral” Then well all start rolling in laughter as poor Roy sits there with a sweet smile on his face. He is really competitive, plays well and enjoys the party. Roy often stays there till 5 am and walks with everyone’s money.

1000aire has a real problem with Roy, well he has a problem with everyone, but especial Roy.

Roy has King Three, and the flop comes K 10 K, 1000aire calls all in and of course they had been at each other throats all night, he calls and 1000aire has a melt down in the likes that I haven’t seen in a long time. He slammed the cards down right in Roy’s face, Roy stood up and started talking shit. “What the fuck Dick, if you can’t handle loosing then don’t play” 1000aire got into his face and yelled back, “Fuck off” and he left. Again the room roared with laughter. Nothing beats a 1000aire melt down. I thought it was gonna be the first fist fight, good thing because the security is a bunch of Monkeys.

Personally I lost 70 dollars that night I couldn’t catch a hand, kept getting out played. At one point I was even, and my phone was buzzing a booty text message, instead of leaving. I stayed with the my eyes full of the riches on the table that I never won.

I’m headed out to a casino with Zelda and David tomorrow, a couple of other friends as well. I’m going to see if my money has better luck in another area code.

Online poker still sucks, but I’ve been spending a lot of time playing. Its cheaper than the casino tourneys.

Monkey Soup

2007-04-08T10:31:00.000-07:00

There is no body of water in my town. Not a lake, not a pound, not a river or sea, so why would I insist on fishing all night long? My wallet would like to know the answer as well. I was doing so well the first hour and a half of play catching Chadwick bluff and doubling up my thirty dollar buys in. A lot of guys showed up and we had two cash tables going. I felt all the real action was on the other table, and I wasn’t happy we didn’t draw for tables.

Mi Boy invited a new guy, his name was JP, and he was pretty creepy looking but mostly just a big nerd. The boys called him the count, because he continued to get involved with the pots even if he wasn’t in them. Big Blind Brian almost kicked his ass, touching chips in hands your not even in, just isn’t cool. Brian had almost sixty dollars in the pot when The Count started in trying to separate the side pot bullshit that was going on, I think Brian was just trying to cause a scene because he was on a major bluff.

I later caught The Count on a huge draw, I had K of D J or D in my hand, K of S, J of S & 7 of S, he bet big, I had two pair, how could I get away, I knew he was on a draw because if he had the flush already he wouldn’t have bet so big. I called his bet, I think it was 10 bucks, A heart came up, The Count checked and I bet 45 dollars, he just couldn’t get away from the pretty Ace of spaces in his hand paired with the K of H, he called, and a Diamond came, I bet 20, thinking he had top pair, he called. It was nice to hug all the chips and reel them in my way. I don’t think he’ll be coming back.

The other day as I drove down the street I notice a piece of plywood with a hole cut out and a monkey in a tree painted on the flat side, I picked it up and took it with me to The Monkey Casino. I declared the rule that if anyone missed dealt or played out of turn they had to pose in the monkey cut out so I can take a photo.

Saturday I played poker with Zelda’s husband after her daughters 1^st birthday party, I played for a while and left with 80 bucks. They are sloppy players and I’m trying to teach them how to play tightly or lose their money to me.

Sunday I played poker at Dahmer’s house, nine guys and Brandi squished in to his tiny little dining area, my hands were just horrible, I swear I was playing an April fools day on myself.

I joined a meet up group for SoCal poker players, I haven’t gone to a game with them yet, but I get the email and they do really fun stuff. B.B.Q’s and camp outs and an Easter game, I have things to do, but I can’t wait to play with them.

Commerce Casino is the nicest of the entire dive Casinos around my area, If when you say nice you mean not a huge tent or shabby tables. Its still in the depths of the ghetto, right off the freeway. I guess Casinos have a bad reputation for luring riff raff, so the areas they are in are down right scary. I knew Roy was there, I had texted him and he was parking, I live about 10 minutes away. I bet you are thinking, that’s way too close and you are right, it is. I have some discipline, I very rarely go to any of them.

I sat at the 100 dollar no limit table, I don’t really have the kind of money that one who plays on that table should have but it was Friday and the 40 NL table would have been too loose, pay day brings loose pockets. I sat there for four hours with that hundred dollars, I toss so many hands, I was so cold, it was sad really. I did have a good time meeting new people like always. One guy sitting at my table yelped out “God, I’m just here spinnin my wheels” after he lost a pot, I answered him back “What else do you come here for”? He agreed, and more than I knew, because he must have went into a forty minute explanation about how he has a girl friend and I was so right, that is the only reason he was there, he does go out…blah blah blah… I sure he said something offensive during the rant because he apologized to me, I replied that it was okay and he probably couldn’t offend me, even if he tried. The Asian man a seat over reminded him that If I’m a poker player, chances are “She’s pretty tough” I like tough.

Did I mention that drinks are $2.50 at the casino? Diet and Bacardi is so yummy when it’s only two-fifty. I busted out after four hours, the blinds are 2,3 I had queen king and the guy next to me had raised it to 15, I had a total of 47 I call all in, he had 9,10 diamonds, and two nines hit the board. I went home around 4am.

I’m back online with poker stars, I only deposited 10 bucks and now I’m up forty dollars from pure tournaments, dollar ones at that, so I’ve been doing well, and if and when I feel cheated, it was only a buck fifty I spent.

Access Granted

2007-03-29T15:52:00.000-07:00

Wishing I could remember all the games I’ve played in the past two months. The lack of my laptop has taken an ugly toll on my postings. I have been playing poker, a lot of poker. During the rest of February I did fairly well, won $250.00 on a Sunday and the following Thursday I took another $200.00 dollars home with me. At the end of the month I had walked out only twice without any money.

The most interesting event that took place In February was a phone call. A call from my ex-boyfriend inviting me to a tournament at his place, with his poker crew, I was so excited. It had been almost three years since I’ve played with them. United Poker Players of Long Beach have been playing together since 1999, they are one the major reasons I even play poker.

My Ex is wacky, he’s the only one in the world that would have a Pineapple tournament, this game is played very similar to Texas Hold’em, the twist is to start you get three hold cards instead of two, then you must discard one with your first bet. Its such a crazy game, most people have never even heard of it, but the Ex is such a clown that it comes at no surprise. The game was so fun; I drank, smoked and talked a lot of shit. As long as I can remember I could never keep up with these guys. I played well, and took two players out. I love taking players out, especially when they are all drooling over my exposed, long shapely, legs. Now I am free to flirt because I am no longer the girlfriend. These guys need little encouragement to reciprocate. They always wondered why I was even with a guy like the Ex. I came in fourth and in true UPPofLB style, the winner must take the rest of the crew for drinks. The area is surrounded by a ton of down town Long Beach dive bars, it’s never much of a trek to a watering hole. We drank, a lot, and in true Ex form, he ended up fighting, with one maybe two, in the end almost getting into it with his own roommate. I had to shuttle him home, once again ruining my good time. He was bleeding, I chased him as he stormed down the street with no shirt, I coax him into his own car, got to his place and climb through the restroom window to let him in because of course he has no keys. He pasted out and the rest of the crew showed up, I played poker with them into the wee hours of the morning, I don’t remember much but getting into bed with the Ex and passing out. In the Morning his eye was black his pillow was bloody, and I slithered out with a classic UPPofLB hang over.

Following Sunday with my Monkeys was very funny. Mi Boy and Stoner had been golfing all day and we’re pissed ass drunk, so giddy and chuckling about anything. A drunken Stoner is an inappropriate one. He makes crude comments about my tits, my cleavage, and my lips. The other guys encourage it because he is the only one who can get away with it. When you have no common sense you can get away with a lot.

Since Mi Boy works at the cigar bar he often brings beautiful wooden boxes home with him, we use these as the cash box for the poker game. Mi Boy brought a new one, and when Stoner struggled to open it, Mi Boy said “It’s a really nice looking box, but completely unfunctional. Kind a like a woman” they both look over at me and start cracking up, we all laughed. I respond by reminding him the word is nonfunctional. Idiots...

The March is going well, I’ve made some money and have kept my “go home after I’ve lost sixty dollars” rule. I haven’t won a tournament in months, I think I’m due.

We now play with dollar chips instead fifty cent, I protested at first but now I like it. Everyone is playing tighter, disciplined, and I seem to be winning more. Thursday tournament has turned into a cash game because nobody makes it on time. I have school and I’m still the first one there. It can be frustrating to wait week after week, for the same Chimps to show up.

Naturally if we are playing with dollar chips the pots are much bigger. So worth my time, Two Thursdays back I get pocket 8’s and limped in with a five dollar bet 1000aire had raised. I called because 8’s had been hot all night. The flop came K of D, 10 of D, 8 of spades, check around to 1000aire who bets 10, I call, everyone else flops next card, 10 of Clubs, 1000aire bets 10 chips, I call. The river came 6 of diamonds, 1000aire bets 25 chips, I raised it up to 50, he called, I cracked his flush and as he threw the entire deck of cards at me, I just quietly grab all my chips from the middle of the table and bend over extra far so my ass is in the air and my tits are dangling from my chest like yummy spring peaches. I never gloat.

I was totally making out with Steve in a dream I had, had. When we played last Thursday I was slightly uncomfortable, I swear he knew. He was being such an extra pervert, saying dirty, dirty things about porn and fucking chicks. Sometimes I drift off in my head and imagine all of them kissing and rubbing on my body all at once, playing with my hair, biting, pawing. I get tickled and play badly, horned up and flustered. I try not to do that so much.

Steve starts to tell a story about a Philippino man who worked with him. The man was telling stories of when he visits his home land. Steve asked him about the whores he gets and the man tells them in his broken accent “Only in duh mouf” implying he only lets the whores suck his dick, not fuck. Well that sets the Monkeys off, they loved it and haven’t stopped saying it since. I can’t ask a question with out getting “only in duh mouf” before the answer.

Tonight should be fun..Last Sunday I was too piss ass drunk to really play, I was there for two hours, drank Steve’s Heineken, won fifty bucks, then sent my Champaign brunch ass home. If I could remember any of my hands, I’d write about it. I do remember a flush, I do remember a straight, and I do remember 1000aire talking shit about how drunk I was. Comparing it to X’s Wild Turkey night. I wasn’t. My Monkeys are so fun, I just love’em.

Catch Up

2007-02-23T17:17:00.000-08:00

2/1/07 missing the tournament start by about ten minutes, I got called the moment there were enough players out to play cash. I only had twenty bucks, my best odds to make money was gonna be the tourney but school was my priority. Things ended up working out pretty well, I went home with about a hundred twenty dollars after doubling up Chadwick on the last hand. That always seems to happen to me, the second we decide to call the game at, Umm..I don’t know.. 3:30 a.m. I try very hard not to play but some how always end up giving away half my money. I was happy with my play, I wasn’t getting great hands, but my betting is getting close to brilliant. I love when someone thinks I’m bluffing, the rest of the Monkey will rally that I don’t bluff, because I rarely do, then bam I flip over a great bluff on Brian who losses his mind and his money. The joy is almost sinister.

2/3/07 Steve and Richard come play at The Monkey Casino on Thursdays sometimes, Steve more than Richard, Richard hotter than Steve. They had a game going on at their friend Daniels house. I went out Friday, worked all morning on Saturday, had a party Sunday. Laying low at a poker tourney sounded like a good idea, Until I realized that this house was a big kid palace, complete with whole room dedicated to poker. Huge poker table, computer projector with poker info, a keg, poker magazines, a wife who waited on us, fancy chips and cards, new men I’ve never met, and an Ipod station with some pretty horrible music, but it made for great conversations and gave everyone a chance to talk shit on Daniel. The guys are all good friends, I kept quiet and watched each one of them play. They were pretty bad, mostly playing on luck, bad hand after bad hand. I racked up the chips softly with a pretty smile. Acquiring the attention of two males, it was entertaining to watch them compete for my attention rather than my chips, I’ll take what I can get these days. At one point I stood up to deal across the large table, exposing my chest to the nine players. It was the least I could do.
After chipping away and making it to the last four players at this fifty dollar no rebuy with 15 minute blinds. Time to tinkle in the very clean, fancy rest room and when I returned Richard had taken the other two players out. Now I was short stack, Richard hadn’t even play very much. He was sitting waiting for his pray to weaken and make his move. I argued it was a set up against the new girl, it didn’t fly. Richard came down to the end of the table on my suggestion to allow the other guys to utilize the rest of the table for a cash game. Richard didn’t want to split, I had other motives. I’ve been after Richard for a while and now was my chance to grope him under the table as a distraction tactic. It didn’t work, it came down to pocket ten in my hand and Richard had queen king, a queen came on the river and I lost. We played a little while longer before I gave Richard a hard-on, he whispered to me if was going home with him, I said no, I’m not prepared for that right now. Richard left, using my second place money, hanging out playing cash game, then dismissed myself shortly after I swear I fell asleep twice. I left with two hundred twenty five bucks.

2/4/07 You are invited to Super bowl Party 07 at the Monkey. I made fresh yummy salsa and guacamole and bought some chips. We had a few pools going on, lots food, lots of Vodka and a nice full fresh keg of Keystone beer. Mi Boy and BD Paul organized it all, it was a nice change to be hanging out with the monkeys in a more social setting. Same spot different feel, a few one on one conversations that don’t really take place because we talk in a circle of people, nothing super personal is really ever discussed. I spoke with Charles, a very nice, bit older guy who frequents The Monkey Casino. We regaled his date from the night before. I’m glad he went out with a nice woman, He’s a nice guy. Charles tells me secrets about having dreams about me and me being one of the only women he has contact with, that’s too bad, he is pretty good looking for a 42 year old.

Once the Keg was dry, the food was gone and the vodka tonic were flowin like wine, we sat down and played some cards, I wish I have more recollection of the game, I did fairly well, I woke up with two hundred dollars in my purse. The only things I remember is watching Prince sing some good old tunes from my young years in the pouring rain and me and Mi Boy singing Karaoke machineless Karaoke into the wee hours. Good times.

Hoover

2007-01-28T17:29:00.000-08:00

And I continue to play poker because??? Only reason is because I’m a dumb ass. I lost a total of one hundred dollars yesterday. The first forty dollar tournament I busted out early then played cash with these strangers. This game was played with dollar chips, house rules at David A.’s house. He is married to my close friend, Zelda. Traditionally we are at ends but thirteen years later, I think He finally got over me getting puke on his face while barfing out the front window of my car. A few familiar faces, we started the second twenty dollar tourney. Stood in a lot longer this time around but busted out seventh. In the middle of the cash play my Dad rang to invite me to a tournament at Hollywood Park. It is a fund raiser, a yearly tournament that Baseball pitcher Cory Lidle held every year for the make a wish foundation. Cory’s family has continued to hold this in his memory. I sat next one of the celebrities, a game show host, so there were a lot of pictures. The buy-in was three hundred dollars for eight hundred in chips, Daddy covered me. Okay one hundred dollars for eight hundred more in chips, Daddy covered. I wasn’t getting a Mutherfucking thing. My holds were just sick. Eight two off suite, three Jack off suite. Over and over and over and over. My shit was just bad. Last buy in, one hundred dollars for eight hundred in chips, and wow I was going some where. Doubled up, finally I was even with the table, about four thousand in chips. I got my next holds and it was the silent killer “big slick”. When I took a look, I knew I should have folded, I did not. Flop comes King, Five, Queen. Bet out One thousand chips, the player calls, next card is a Queen, I bet One thousand, player calls, Ten comes, I bet one thousand Player calls all in, I call and before the river, he exposes his set of fives, my only hope was a Jack or king….It didn’t come. Fuck him! I left, now back to the Monkey Casino to give some more money away. I don’t learn my lesson and I never know when I’ve had enough. Inherited extreme’s mentality, thanks Dad.

Pick a Wennier

2007-01-26T16:33:00.000-08:00

Attendance has been suffering on Thursday nights at The Monkey Casino, only eight guys showed up to play. I brought a bottle of nice Rosewood Cab Merlot and enjoyed sitting there not playing, my hands truly trash. I literally played seven hands the entire game, and I came in third. Of course third, didn’t pay a cent. There we are, the last three players. Dahmer, 1000aire, and I, Shooting the shit, drinking Wine, Smokin, when I look over at 1000aire as he deals his button, shuffling the cards, talking, when I see him reached up and picked his nose….”EW” I yelped, before he laid his booger fingers on the cards again. “Don’t you dare touch the cards again till you go wash your hands.” He had no clue what I was bitching about until my squeal got the attention of Dahmer, who heard my argument and protested the deal along with me. 1000aire washed his hands and returned with venges, he was mad that I outted him and his nose picking ways. The next hand I was out with my first pocket pair all night, Fours. Then Dahmer and 1000aire battled for first and end up splitting it. I begged for ten buck to third place, It worked on Dahmer, but 1000aire’s wallet squeaks, he didn’t put out.
I was the only female at last night, I’m no stranger to the attention, but the Men were laying it on pretty thick. I got compliments on my hair, I got compliments about my taste in Wine, I got compliments on my old sweater that I’ve worn there fifty time. I didn’t get any compliments about my game because I lost twenty bucks at the cash table rather quickly.
I am joining a tournament tomorrow at 3 p.m. Different crowd, a husband of a friend type thing. I’m sure it will be interesting, and I’ll try to remember if anything interesting happens.

Focus Pokus

2007-01-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

The game never stops, even if I my personal attention is directed somewhere or someone else. Every Sunday at 6:30 pm, Rake Free Cash Game. Thursday’s, twenty dollar Tourney followed by fifty cent rake per hand cash game. The main Monkey’s have decided to take a rake to cover the outrageous three hundred dollar heating bill the boys have been suffering. It’s only fair, I mean we are bi-weekly Boarders.
I had a few really good games over in December, had a great three hundred dollar Sunday right before Christmas, it's the most I have ever won. I badly wanted to post all about it but the Vaio was in the shop, still not fully repaired yet functioning.
Last Sunday, I was friendly rake free cash game, normal as ever, beers flowed, bowls smoldering. I was getting some horrid cards, I gave up trying to make any money, and just hung out paying blinds. It was well into the second case of Bud Lights when Chadwick and Big Dick Paul had huge stacks of all my money in front of them, I fold the next hand and headed to the pisser. I walked away for less then one minute (I proudly pee quickly) and all hell had broken loose. Chadwick had called all in with two pair and Paul was on a flush river draw weighing out the almost two hundred and sixty dollar call. The air was erratic, all the guys were standing, and talking and shouting, it took me a second to realize what was going on. Paul finally called and pulled the flush on the river. He sucked out on Chadwick so bad the whole room groaned in harmony. That was the beginning of a Twenty Five Minute rant from Chadwick. A melt down in the likes of which we have never seen, Chadwick put Thousandaire to shame. He knocked down all the stacks of chips he lost, slammed his hands down on the table, “Fuck You Paul” as he shoved a cig in his mouth, rage had turned his fair completion to a bright fire engine red. Slammed out the back door, came right back in, breathing hard. “That was bullshit, I fuckin hate this game, you’re a fag Paul”. Ha Ha everyone laughed, it was funny and only feed his flame. “I’m Sorry Chad, Its gambling” Paul tried to remain calm but it was obvious to everyone, Chad was lacking sportsmanship that comes with playing a game. He was getting down right rude and insulting, throwing chips at Paul’s face, just being a dick, I sat there and watched wide eyed, Chad look at me and barked “WHAT!” I said nothing. Finally after everyone else jump in to defend Pauly against out of control abuse he was graciously enduring. Chad went heads with everyone at the table, going on all in every hand, Pauly still apologies because he truly felt bad, I’m sitting next to him comforting him that he had done nothing wrong, of course Paul takes that as permission to get a quick grope. Chad continued, on and on, and just when he was calming down, Paul told him he was going to be expecting an apology at some point. Chadwick flew off the chain, snap into Vietnam, it was Charlie all around, He threw the biggest tantrum I have ever seen by any Man, child, or beast. He was literally jumping up and down, red face stomping, yelling “YOU CAN WAIT YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE MUTHER FUCKER,!!!AND I PROMISE YOU WILL NEVER EVER HEAR AN APOLOGY FROM ME!” At that point, Paul stood up and asked Chad to step outside. The room stood quite… The game was at a halt for the first time in MC History. Chadwick stormed off to his room and didn’t emerge till eight a.m. when it was time for Pauly to pick everyone up for golf. Rumor is he did say he was sorry and that Paul bought him beers the whole course. Nevertheless, Chadwick adopted a new nick name of Rumpelstiltskin.

Yesterday eve, I strolled over to The Monkey Casino round sevenish; when I opened the door I got a huge exited, clapping, hooting, and hollering welcome from everyone, only to find out they were cheering on the Colts who had just picked a interception to win the game. I played poker till two thirty in the morning. Best hand of the night, the most beautiful flopped flush known to the sport, not that all flopped flushes aren’t very nice, but when you flop the ace high spade flush and the guy sitting across from you flopped a king high flush, there is just a little something special about it, makes you feel warm and cozy inside, and when that “all in” is pushed and you call with ease, its beautiful.
I worked my forty dollars up to a hundred and twenty dollars, but lost it all in one hand against, Dahmer and Mi Boy, it was a really bad move on my part, I deserved to lose the hand. I’m holding ace two off suite at the big blind, flop comes ten ten ace, Mi Boy raises it to five chips, Dahmer raises ten, I call, Mi Boy moves all in, Dahmer calls, and I move all in with one hundred seventy five chips on top of Mi Boys bet, Dahmer took a long, long time to call, but he did, and he had the ten, and had me covered by plenty. I went home sulking, at least he didn’t suck out on me, Mi Boy had the same hand I had.
I’m afraid my Thursday Tournament game will take a bit of a hiatus, I’m taking a class that is only offer on Thursday night from 7 – 10:30…. Boo, I’ll still make it for cash game because between where I live and where I learn, its only one left turn to the Monkey Casino.

Last Odd of the Year

2006-11-21T20:29:00.000-08:00

Thursday blew... My hands were just unplayable, nothing coming my way and once again Lawyer Dave had my number. I don't know why I still haven't learned not to play any hands against him. He abruptly asked me how many times a day do I catch men staring at my tits, the answer to that question is easy, "I'm not sure how long they are going to look this good so everyone better get their peeks in now." There was a serious round table discussion about relationships, stemming from Lawyer Dave's split up. Which explains why he was practically humping my leg and was able to stay till four in the AM. I stole one pot all toury long with Poket twos and came in nineth. I lost forty bucks in the cash game and jumped ship. Too much drinky drinky.

Sunday started at fiveish, the house was a mess, so Thousandaire and I started to straighten up. Its the least we can do considering we are there every week, at least twice a week. Bottles and cans in the blue bin, and everything else were much like my cards...Trash! And it wasn't even that I was getting that much trash, it was that I was getting sucked out on. No fucken respect when I go all in. Me.. Pocket Queens, Mi boy all in with King Ace for twenty Dahmer calls his twenty, I raise thirty-seven more chip, on top of the twenty for an all in. Dahmer shows no respect and calls my bet with pocket fucken sixes, The king came on the board and Mi boy would have own the hand if Dahmer folded, because that Mother fucker tripped up on the river. Much like the way the rest of the night went, I'd play hard for my chips, picking my ten here, fifteen there, just for Dahmer to suck each and everyone in three different hands on the river. Maybe its the odd month thing, I was hoping since it was my birthday month the whole "odd months bad luck " thing wouldn't be in effective, but guess not. Sixty bones later, I bailed.

Still Hanging

2006-11-14T11:44:00.000-08:00

I took a little break from poker last week. I had many plans, Deftones Tuesday and Thursday, the new job juggle, my birthday Friday, and my birthday party on Saturday. I did pick up the cash game on Sunday, with the Dirtiest hang over and twenty dollars cash on me. After four hours, and a twenty dollar loan from Dahmer, I left with an extra two buck in my pocket. Thursday should be good. I'm still recovering from the week O'fun. I sure know how to throw a party and my friends rise to the occasion.

FOO

2006-10-29T10:46:00.000-08:00

It seems that updating and correcting my slacker ways proved to be good luck. Tourney night had twelve players, three of the super regulars were absent, and I was the rare late arrival. Three of my chips had fallen victim to blind bets, yet it was still very early in the game.
Gambling is for me, I feed on the rush, of make the right decision, beating my opponent, and laughing all the way to the cashier. Bluffing is great, but I very rarely bother, I'm not that good at it, I should practice to be better at the betting strategy behind "The Bluff." Nothing pisses me off more then getting bluffed off a huge pot, flipping over the cards to show a two seven off suite, yeah I pretty much want to kill myself.
My cards weren't great, but they weren't bad either, my betting was strong and I was pushing. Different people were there, it was a good challenge. Two guy's I've played with and known for years and one guy, who everyone seem to know, everyone but me that is. I was perplexed, I know everyone. Where did this tall white man come from? Why have I never seen nor heard of this person? This guy that all of my friends seemed very very glad to see. Ended up to be me and this mystery man were at the final table, and wound up heads up at the end of the night. He called me a names, he has pretty eyes, he told me that he was not intimidated by my Scorpio aggressiveness, I told him "I'm trying to intimidate you, I'm just playing some cards...and trying to get fucked" He about fall out of his chair, looked over at the cash game and almost cried.. " Did you hear what she just told me"? They all laughed at him and told him to ignore me, because I was merely taking advantage of the fact he didn't know me. The boys didn't know what I knew, this man already wanted me so bad. What I didn't know that the boy knew, he is a felon, and had been in jail for the past five year. I would have kept the "Fucked" comment out of my mouth had I known that. We went heads up, he played a good game, and although he wanted to split it a few times when we were close to even, I refused by saying, "I just wanna hang out with you... alone...longer." I had most of the chips and he called all in, I had pocket tens and I called, he flipped his holds to expose pocket Jacks, "Guess I'm gonna get fucked after all" his deal, five queen two, burn, ten, trips..nice..two..boat! I won 160 bucks.. and after cash game, I was up two hundred. That morning I should have posted my winning story, but didn't, ended up at Hawaiian Gardens and gave it all back to strangers. I feel like the opposite of Robin Hood, I steal from my friends and give it to strange Asians. Anywho there were hot guys at the casino so I want to remember to hang out there more.

Bad Mama

2006-10-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

I'm a Bad Blog Mama, I have neglected my poor little project way too long. It's not that I haven't been playing poker either, because believe me I have, maybe its because it's not that fun to write about losing all the time and September was a bad month. Then October got better and still, I wrote nothing. Maybe its be because I've been playing with the same hum drum guys for too long, I should hit some live tournaments at a casino. Well, all that is over, and I'm back to writing about one of my favorite past times.
At the end of August I was in Vegas and managed to spend seventeen hours on the one two table at the MGM, I played with two hundred dollars and was up about six hundred dollars at one point then lost it all on a river suck out to some idiot from Chicago. I've still been a tri-weekly regular at The Monkey Casino, but Mi Boy has knocked it down to Thursday and Sunday only (after football)
I have cut out most of the online play. I just don't feel like I'm getting a fair shake at the pot, I need something more then a crafty screen name and a clever avatar. Voyeurism is a necessary in poker. I need to see eye balls and breathing patterns. I want to be watched, I like people to think I'm nervous. I love joking and talking at a table, It's what has appealed me most about the game.
Sunday's game, I was in for sixty buck and walked out with sixty-one dollars after four hours of playing. When Cory and 1000aire start ragging one me and how I ever play Ace rag, I start getting real offended by Cory who is the king of the most disgusting sucking outs in THEE history of Monkey Casino History, for some reason or another Cory feels the need to tell to "stop acting like a woman". O' Lord was I pissed, he just wanted to piss me off, being a bully because his huge, and oafish, I told him just that. Cory didn't realize he had thrown in at least 15 chips, I throw down Ace Rag as my winning hand, "thats right bitches"

Skunkin Tuesday

2006-08-23T16:41:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable amount of bad cards can only lead to a seventy five dollar debt. Bad news for me, I didn't know when to walk away or when to run. I was convinced if I just stuck around a little longer my time would come. My time never came. The only play worthy hands I got were pocket Jacks once and got cracked. Another time I had Ace Queen suited, and Cory cracked me with a pair of nines…NINES for Christ sake.
"He" was there, sitting next to me, not talking, not playing many hands, and when "He" wasn't looking, I stared at him, hard. My eyes detailed his profile. That beautiful face was mesmerizing. An aroma of conceit lingered in his lap, although after a few careful-not-to-get-caught stares at his crotch, I was convinced he has a small penis. Too bad, just one more loss that night.

Monkey Fish

2006-08-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

8:15 p.m. Bank of America: Five twenty dollar bills
8:25 p.m. The 6740: One 22oz of Michelob ultra w/Lime Juice, curtsey of Maryanne.
8:57 p.m. Circle K: One 44oz of Diet Coke and one 5th of light Bacardi.
9:07 p.m. The Monkey Casino: Thursday night Tournament.

Let the cards fall where they may, I was ready for tonight. It was a full house, 18 players, the pot was huge, and with my "end of summer get-a-ways plans", I was thinking big picture.
The average shit talking started up about our records and how we need to start logging who won what and blah, blah the same conversation every week. I'm easily the loudest player, because well, they rarely pay attention to me, so I have to shout most of my proclamations.
I was a very patient player, I allowed the competition to eliminate each other while I laid back and watched the low kicker confusion, the semi serious arguing, guess there were too many Monkeys in the house at once because they were aggressive.
At one point we lost a player every 15 minutes and I had only won one hand.
Lawyer Dave had been out of the tournament for a half hour before he came to sit by me. I was dealt and when I looked at my two hold cards they were K 2 off suite. Lawyer Dave said, "I'll pay 40 bucks to go all in with that hand", first thing out of my mouth was " ahh yeah, prolly not" He said "Why not, you'll be up 20 bucks if you lose". I thought about it and agreed. After all it is gambling right. So I went all in, one caller with about 20 chips and just like that, I had four of a kind, K's and Lawyer Dave couldn't have been happier about it. Went bragging to the other table, then it was time to merge. It was early and I was no where near chip leader. The four of a kind help me a little but I was still a major under dog.
The best thing that can happen at a poker table is: You are the big blind, nobody raises and you flop a full house with crap cards. Fourth hand after the merger my "best thing" happened. I knew it was my pay day. I slow play this and hoped the ace that came on the turn would help someone think they were winning. Two callers paid me 50 each, now I had some bully ammunition, and I pushed. Pushed them off hands, bluffed them off hands, knocked two players out, then there was three. Ernie, X, and The Lady played as tight as a 40 year old Nuns. X was short stacked, Ernie and X went heads up on a hand. I went to pee and when I got back it was all over. Ernie and I were about even, he had a few more chips but was will to split the pot, $180 each. It was a great pay out for me.
Over to the cash game, that had been in my back ground for the past three and a half hours. I joined with twenty bucks.
ENTER: W. Stoner, Thee Monkey Casino Official Mascot. Naturally he is Stoners olde,r shorter brother, where he lacks in altitude, he makes up for in volume. He grabbed the room's attention when he stormed through the front door with a bottle of something cheap in one hand and a big bag of dead fish in the other. Fish talk has been running ramped all over town as of late, with all the good local fishing spots thriving. I fish, I love to fish and more than anything I love W. Stoner for bring the bottle that got all the Chimpanzees loaded. W. doesn't play cards, he pours drinks, talks to who ever isn’t in the hand, stares down my shirt shamelessly. At one point he announced he felt my boobs were getting smaller. Distracting the table from a very important hand, in order to have a round table discussion on weather it was the bra, the shirt or were my boobs really shrinking. Still being in this hand that had about forty bucks in it, I took full advantage and started sharing in the analyzing of my current cleavage. Pulling and tugging on my shirt, exposing my bra from side to side, watching the saliva slip to the corner of lips. Almost exposing my nipple, watching their eyes as they mental fondled my tan lines. Needless to say I won the hand and convinced W. Stoner to break me off a slice of raw yellow tail he brought in. Before ya know it we were having a regular old late night fish fry. W. Stoner passed out (over) cooked fish, and raw fish to the whole table. I briskly followed with tooth picks as not to end up hearing about a fishy smell from the deck of cards. I would, of course be to blame. After lending Chadwick twenty bucks and counting out all my hard earned cash, I then went home at a more decent hour then usual, got myself off and past the Fawk out! I'm up $240.00 fat ones and it's going straight to the Royal Caribbean Cruise Ships Casino. Double up.

Tonight

2006-08-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'm really excited about tonight's game. I have so much on my mind, it will be a nice vacation to concentrate on something other than work, men, moving, money, gifts I haven't bought, my excessive tardiness cause by late night poker. Yeah it's a vicious cycle.

Vera vs. Svetlana

2006-08-04T17:08:00.000-07:00

If I would have made the time to post last weeks Thursday night game it would have went something like:
Brian brought this super hot Swedish chick to the game, why he even let her out of his apartment is beyond me cause I sure wouldn't have. This girl is beautiful, young, tall, very thin, bright blue eyes, short dark hair, thee most adorable imperfect K9 tooth enclosed by some hot pouty plump lips. The Swedes body reminded me of a model from an erotic art magazine, her breast were absolutely perfect as she so generously sported a small black, spaghetti strapped tank top without a bra. Skin so fair and shirt so low, nobody, including myself, couldn't focus on the game. We were trying to teach her to play, something I might have protested against if she hadn't been so pleasing to the eye. Her sexy Swedish accent had us hanging on her every word. The monkeys were beside themselves. Naturally I was an ally, and what the fuck Brian was doing with this easy 9 was shocking, so were gonna have to chalk it up to her being a foreigner.
Lyn, who I began calling Svetlana, couldn't keep up with our conversations, although she spoke English very well, we talk fast ghetto fab west coast slang.. Svetlana looked lost most the night, even though she had given up trying to understand poker. She sure was good at blocking out the men, harassing her with question after question. They reminded me of nine year olds at mall Santa's picture station, spiting out every last request before their two minutes of lap time expired. I ended up losing my ass that night, in debt 20 buck I borrowed from Dahmer A.K.A Uncle Dave along with my forty dollar buy in. Needless to say Svetlana was the best thing I saw all night, because my hands were pitiful.

Flash forward to last night's game. This could very well be the best come back in Monkey Casino Poker history.

Lets take it from the top, Brian brought Svetlana back, still as smokin as last week but lacking the award winning cleavage. This time she played, knowing very little about the game, which is a major hold up because her knowledge is extremely limited. The basic poker rules are the easy part and she didn’t even know that, in fact she knew so little she had no clue that you need five cards to make a hand. So by the third deal, Brian was sitting to her right, he folded and looks at her cards, not big deal, but then he reaches into her stack of chips and raises the blind from two to six, not cool right, I mean I didn't ask her to play, it was only twenty bucks, she was getting her poker feet wet. I wasn't having any of that MB (monkey business) So.. I laid it down pretty sternly to Brian. "You can't do that Brian, C'mon, I mean you can give her the options she has, call or raise, but you cant be in the game and play two hands" Oh Brian didn’t like that, he snapped back at me pretty harshly and was being a complete asshole, the other guys at the table conquered my opinion, but it got really bad with Brian's anger, we argued the boys had to calm us down. He was so defensive because he knew he was wrong. Helping is one thing, and if he wasn't playing, then hell, help her out all you'd like, but don’t be raising up all crazy rude with someone else chips. It didn’t end there, he was after me and all my chips, he announced he was on spite play against me and was gonna do what ever it took to get me out of the tournament. And boy did he, three hands later I called all in, he called just to spite me, I called and he rivered his flush against my flopped straight. I was down to two chips, and things weren't looking good for little Miss Rule follower. Three hands went by that I folded. I had two fucking chips I was pretty much a sitting duck. I got an ace, five hold cards, I call all in, because the pot was looking like the best odds I could hope for with my two chips, everyone was in the hand, they pulled my side pot of twelve chips and continued to bet. I won that side pot, then two hands later I got pocket queens, went all in. Brian still on spite play called me, I was sweatin it because he rivered a flush on me last time I went all in, but not this time, nope, I won. Twenty eight chips up. Next hand Brian went all in. I called his bet, I had seven, ace of diamonds, Brian had Jack Nine of diamonds and here came the flush.. (Insert flushing sound). So I was now 66 chips strong and made a come back all the way to the final two and ended up splitting the pot with "Mi Boy". Svetlana actually did pretty well, not that she knew what she was doing but beginners luck is what draws them in every time. Last note Dahmers said my new nickname is "Vera" because apparently that is the only female on Planet of the Apes. Good times. I played some cash game, came up a little and before I knew it, it was three o'clock in the morning. I high tailed it out of there and was only one hour late to work. Gotta scratch that habit.

Drunken Tuesday

2006-07-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

Okay I know I haven’t posted a peep in a while, my apologies for the recorded, not that anyone is keeping one. I have in fact been playing a ton of poker, just nothing share worthy has been going on. I've played been a lot of online poker lately. .10 cent to 4 dollar tourneys, while laying in bed under my blankets with the AC blaring, and the fan spinning. The tourneys last about three hours, and I've won a few, not nearly as much as I've played. So, great and not so great about online poker, start with great, you can sit out of the game at anytime for any amount of time as long as you still have chips. Great because you can do a load of laundry, masturbate, grab snacks, and clean your room, masturbate, all in the buff. Not so great because you can turn into a hermit. When you've played the same tournament for two and a half hours, are just a few places away from the money, not much is gonna get you to leave the house.

The boys called me up for what is now known as "Drunken Tuesday". I'm not sure what the difference is because I get drunk every poker game, but since "Dahmer" drinks, which is rare, and "Mi Boy" pounds the vodka, its been named. It is normally just the inner circle of players, the original crew. I get a whole story out, get paid attention to, its great. We belted out Bob Seiger and Jackson Brown together with "Mi Boy" on the harmony. It was a good time, and I took a huge pot off of "Mi Boy", his name is Tim aka "Timmy Mi Boy" newly nicknamed "all in Tim" because its his signature move lately. So I get my holds, pocket Aces.. nice. I raise the blind up two chips, just two chips, one whole dollar. Dahmer and Mi Boy call. Flop comes Six D, Five S, Ten H. I bet ten, Dahmer folds, Mi Boy raises to twenty, I have about a total of thirty five chips, I call all in, he calls and I SMASH him down to size, take all his money and leave (it was late). Next day I walk into his bar and buy the bar top sitters a round on Mi Boy, I mean it was his money at one point.

Thursday's game is coming soon. It was a good one.

Choke

2006-07-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

My lucky number is 4, I like things in multiples of 4, favorite card in the deck is 4 of hearts, but I'm seriously over coming in fourth place. Once again I played three and a half hours of poker to simply take fourth place. No money, no hand shakes, no heads up, no pot splitting, nope all fourth place gets ya is, 10000aire pointing out every bad play I made in the last hour.
Thinking back, it could have been because I lost my cool when a guy that I had seen once before at Dahmer's house about seven months ago walked in. He is quite delicious and has no idea I'm alive. He walked right past me at the final table, to the cash game. Hoping he'd remember meeting me from that cold December afternoon, I made him laugh, he seemed slightly interested but I was in a rush and had to bail, we shared a smile and I haven't seen him since. I don't even know his name because like a bunch of big brothers, the monkeys would have been all over me if I started asking questions across the tables, that, and I think I might have mentioned to Dahmer I thought he was hot… Bad move. He is tall dark and handsome with the bluest of eyes and the built of an ex college football player. By the time the fourth place was called it was late, and had already made a huge deal with extra emphasize on how badly I need to go home early last night, because I was trying slip in a brag about the Nine Inch Nails concert I'm going to. I couldn’t very well stay just because "He" walked in. I headed out and today I'm glad I did. When saying my good byes "He" looked me in the eye, clearly never remember meeting me before and gave me a half ass wave. If I could remember his name I'd use it but for now "He" is officially on the "To Do List"

Hand of the game: First hand of the game, BD Paul and New Ernie are going heads, flop comes King of clubs, six of hearts, four of diamonds, ten chip bet, seven of diamonds, big bets next card six of diamonds, BD Paul goes all in New Ernie calls with a full house, Kings over sixes and BD Paul shared that last card with him for the nuts Flush, his holds were Ace King Diamond, he lost, and ammoed New Ernie up big. That’s some fucked up luck.

Obligations

2006-06-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

This is the first tournament I've missed in months. The boys missed me, although there were a few other ladies there when I arrived at 11:30. Not much can come between me and cards, not sex, not men, not friends, but family obligations are welcomed grounds for my absences.

I crept into the cash game, lots of players, I took a seat and grabbed twenty six bucks in chips, and started my game banter. There were a couple of new faces. Virginia a hot red head with nice implants, Brian reeled her in, and my Monkeys were happy. Robert, or Richard, I'm not sure, but he was there, introduce himself and proceeded to tell me "That color looks good on you". Which is an odd comment from a male, but hey I'll take what I can get these days.

As the clock hit two, it was time to go home. I play well, came up on about one hundred and forty chips. One hand I bluffed the fuck out of X on one hand, I had absolutely nothing, not even a high card. I was big blind and in position. I bet every hand, holding eight, two off suit. X called my bet, the flop came four of spades, seven of spades six of Diamonds, X was on a straight draw. I bet five chips, he called next card King of spades. I bet five, X called. Next card two of spades, I bet twenty five chips, X folds thinking I have the flush, he threw his cards at my cleavage, we all laugh, ha laugh my ass all the way to the cash out!!!

Garden Variety

2006-06-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

After many drinks and a little chatting at the bar, X made the sudden suggestion that we hit up the casino, sounded good to me, it was last call, I had nothing else planned and twenty dollar no limit sounded harmless enough.

X drove down the 605 like there was pussy at the end wet and waiting for him to show. Unfortunately for X, it was quit the opposite because he got dicked instead. I found the only machine that is a sure pay at a casino is the ATM, I saw X win his spin four times. “X” I said “It’s three bucks every time you pull out twenty, pull out all the cash at once” X gave me a sad drunken look, “I don’t want to go back three times, the plan is not to go back at all” I lent him another forty bucks.

I had never been to The Hawaiian Gardens before, I have seen the lit up marquee on the freeway many, many times, always wanting to pull off and check it out, but casinos always seem to be in the shadiest of areas, and it’s not the greatest idea to go alone if you’re not in familiar territory. Lucky for me, I get familiar quickly.

The place is a dive of all casinos. I was fairly disappointed knowing the house must clean up, would it kill them to break off a little some some in décor? Moving along, I sat at a twenty dollar no limit table, interesting people, men, women, mostly Asians. The game moves quick, not at all like the Monkey Casino. The dealers are all over it, shouting orders, moving the game. Dealers know the more hands they deal the more tips they rake. I did ok for the most part, going up and down, busting a few more twenties out of my super cute purse. It had been a while since I played a hand, I was the big blind with hold of queen, two off suit. No raise, checked it down and queen, queen, seven comes on the flop, think I was sitting pretty I bet five dollars, fold to my left, next guy raises? What? What the hell? Does he have pocket sevens? Wouldn’t he have raise pre-flop with pocket sevens, hey this guy is so fucking cute. We battle, I didn’t have many chips left so I went all in, he thought for a while. Then he called me. Like a stake through my heart, he held queen, king. Bam I was at the ATM, getting charged three bucks for two twenties.

Heart Breaker and I had something in common, last call, which they made us drink at the bar, our table was two feet away, and it was easy to sneak in gulps between hands. While we ordered I looked over at him and said “Ya hurt me”, Heart Breaker smiles and mumbles “I know, I felt bad” “Don’t feel bad, its poker, you had me beat, even if I was betting like I had a full house and you stuck around, but hey that’s ok, I go my eye on you now” I winked and headed back for the next hand.

We shared some more common banter, along with “Gino” the guy who had sat next to me the entire night who took my verbal abuse like the true masochists he is. Then X came hounding to drag me home, it was 3:30am. I had broken even, so I said my good nights unaccepted some offers to be taken home later, and pasted out the whole way home.

So what have we learned?

1. The Hawaiian Gardens is a complete dive casino, it is the only one that has twenty dollar no limit and its worth because it’s really not that bad.

2. The Hawaiian Gardens Casino is close enough to OC that all the cute white boys can trickle in.
3. Take your own car when going to the casino with X.

Blind

2006-06-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

The game didn't last very long for me last night, I simply got blinded out. No big deal, I was in bed by 11:30. Yeah i suck.

Even

2006-06-14T16:43:00.000-07:00

Palm Springs was gorges this weekend. The sun bronzed my fair skin all morning long. Then I heard the casino calling. I'm sure I'd have great poker stories, if I wasn't so fucking drunk for the twelve hours I played (3:30pm-3:30am). I remember smiling a lot, laughing a lot, placing a lot of drink orders and walking away with the same two hundred dollars I sat down with. Not so bad.

Last night while rubbing my money tree, I heard the text message theme. An invitation to play a Monkey Casino satellite game at Dahmers house appeared in screen of my beloved phone. By the time I was able to show up it was all cash game. I dropped my twenty bucks down and counted out forty chips. One might think after twelve hours of poker Saturday night, I might have had my fill, but no, I can't play enough.

As usual 1000aire was rushing and controlling the game. Cute Paul and 1000aire have an on going feud. About two months ago, Cute Paul and 1000aire had a long drawn out battle, not heads up just with each other across the table, when Cute Paul beat 1000aires flush with a full house 5's over Kings it was on, 1000aire was out of the tournament and war was declared ever since. They fight all the time now, with words and cards of course. Every tournament starts out with them talking to shit to each other and trying to take each other out, waiting for one to show signs of weakness by way of alcohol, weed or phone calls.

It's actually pretty entertaining to watch. I laugh and laugh. Everyone feeds into their conflict, jumping in with memories of past hands and past tournaments. One night, Cute Paul came to the Monkey Casino drunk off his lightweight ass. Paul was cussing out 1000aire so horribly. I would have kicked his ass if, I were a man. 1000aire took the high road, and Paul's money, instead of starting a life long battle.

Last night was a slow. I walked away with the same twenty bucks I sat with. I'm gonna be okay with not winning money lately. I still need to play more. I’m going to call around to see if anyone is playing tonight.

June Boom

2006-06-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

The roster went crooked. The regular attendees couldn't make it to the tournament. It has been a long time since I've play a Thursday without Dahmer, 1000aire or Chuck, much less all of them on the same night, so I stepped it up and called a few of my brothers friends to come play with us.

Third hand of the game, my holds are Jack Ten off suite; I'm small blind with cute Paul sitting to my right dealing. The flop comes Jack, Jack, Jack, I almost pissed my pants. In all the time and places I've played poker, I've never ever flopped four of a kind, Paul calls all in which sucked because I would have like to have sucked some more chips off the other players. I had to call him and everyone else folds of course, I win and take him out of the game, needless to say he was a bit aggro.

Merging tables, there were eight and slowly they dropped off, my brothers buddies made it to the final table and one stayed for quite some time, then there were three. Peace man who had taken some cash from me a few weeks back was in with a ton of chips. He really has no clue what he is doing, as long as his holds are any, pair, suited, face, he stays in with the silliest of hands and sucks out all the time. It drives the monkeys crazy.

The board saved my ass twice last night, I should have been long gone but end up splitting the pot because the board beat out all of the players hand, both times I was all in.
Later in the game I flopped a full house, big blind hold cards, King, Three, flop; King, King, Three, and Peace Man was ripe for the picking, he had his famous pocket threes, he flopped a full house too… what a dream come true for me, he called my 150 chip all in bet and doubled me up. His skill less tactics bad fired on him from then on, and then there were two. Big Dick Paul, (which has yet to be determined) and I were the last two standing vying for a one hundred and eighty dollar pot.

Paul has missed the past to Thursdays games. Earlier in the day I had sent him a text message.

Me "Are you coming to play with me tonight"?.

Him "What hotel should I meet you at"?

Me "Is the hotel at the Monkey Casino finished and to they rent by the quarter hour"?

Him "I need you all night long baby… LOL thank you for the text Brandywine, I'll be there tonight"

By now he's been thinking about fucking me for at least the past eight hours. I had been sitting next to him since the merge. Being a massage therapist I am natural very physically, lots of rubs and touches when talking with people. I'm comfortable with being touched, I probably give every person I know a hug and a kiss ever time I see them so its not a big deal for me to have touching his tight every once in a while when something he said was funny or he took a good hand.

We are now alone at the table and I ask "Did you like your text message I sent you" he smiled and said "of course Brandywine, thank you, it was nice" I smile a teeth grin and give him my sexiest of eyes. It really didn’t phase him, he is a confident man.

Paul is a really nice guy, not my physical type but yet attractive because of his manners and sense of humor, he is a very funny guy. For example, "Mi Boy" is a red head, and one day Paul came to the game early and hung a poster of Rick Ashley on one of the very bare walls, Rick Ashley is a nick name he has for "Mi Boy" When "Mi Boy" walked in he laughed so hard tears come to his eyes, we all cracked up.

We played and played, I took a major pot and took chip lead on a bluff of Two, Five off suite. Then he killed me for half of my chips two hands later. We went back and fourth, I couldn’t read him. Heads up is tough after five hours of poker. We then decided to split. Ninety bucks anit so bad to walk way with. Its nice to be back in the winners instead of the whiners seat.

It's not fun to lose

2006-06-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

For the past four weeks I have not placed any better then fourth place. I have come up with a few reasons what has brought on this slump.

1. I haven’t been playing as much poker as usual, I’m out of practice.
Resolution #1: Find some more games, I know of three other places where they play poker a lot, I gotta get them my number so I can be on the call list.
Resolution #2: Hit up the casinos more often, they are always open. You don’t need a call from them asking if you’d like to join, and I live fairly close to three, Commerce Casino, Bike Club and Hawaiian Gardens.

2. May is an odd numbered month; I don’t do well in cards odd number months.
Resolution: June is upon us, it was June 1st last Thursday and I lost more then I ever have in one night at the Monkey Casino.

3. Bad Luck, if it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.
Resolution: Be a donor.

So yeah, I lost the tournament, and another forty buck at the cash game.
Peace man, is the town, crazy, military, guy, who is just dumb enough to take a serious sixty dollar pot off me with his pocket threes, when my holds are King Queen and I’ve paired the board twice, I was betting five to ten dollars a round, and this big ogre rivers a three… Any advice?

Infuego 5/23/o6

2006-06-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

Mr. Para works at The Staple Center. The Lakers and Clippers were in the play-offs, Mr. Para has to on work Thursdays nights, and Mrs. Para hadn’t made it to a game in weeks. The hiatus was good for her, she was hot. She single handedly took seven out of the eleven players out of the game herself. It was not my night, my number never came, and I didn’t even get my customary fourth place, nope I was the ever so lovely fifth place loser, Mrs. Para walked away with the whole thing that night, I was proud of her. I think she’s been getting some online practice. I was in bed by twelve thirty.

2006-05-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

Monkey Poker

King Me

2006-05-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

Forty, Sixty, One Eighty, were the pay outs for first second and third place. Fourteen players filled the Monkey Casino, knees to nuts. I was in a Paul sandwich, Big Dick Paul (which has yet to be proven) on my left and cute Paul to my right, placed my hands on both their thighs and declared myself "the meat". Till I took Cute Paul out of the game, then the new guy Roy was next on my hit list, down to eight players we merged. No need to haul all my chips far, over to table one.

Final table players were all about even chipped. X, BD Paul, Chuck, Bryan, New Ernie, Dahmer, 1000air, and I saddled up for the next round of card playing. I took a huge pot off of Dahmer, He had the nuts flush and I had a full house Tens over Kings. That pretty much sealed his fate of being the next one out. I bet smart, I didn’t want to scare him out, so I bet small, then bigger, then a little bigger, he was not happy at all, he looked at me and said "Are you happy now, you humiliated me in front of everyone, I hope you are proud of yourself" and I was.

I played well but in the end just got out played, I took fourth for second Thursday in a row, no money. The best hand I played all night; my holds are King Jack off suit, everybody folds but X, he calls my big blind and we see the flop, Eight, Ten, Jack falls. So I'm holding top pair with a great kicker, and X bets twenty, I call. Next card is a king, X raises all in, I have two pair, top pair at that, what the fuck could he have… I thought about it, called time and then I folded…good thing, X had pocket Kings and would have wiped me out right then and there. It was a good lay down.
No cash game for me, I was tired, drunk and stoned, I said my good nights and went home

Aloha

2006-05-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

While in Hawaii, I picked up a deck of cards that featured topples Hawaiian chicks with the intention of them being a souvenir for a friend… The cards have been captive and unopened for two years in my bedroom. A gift for the Monkey Casino? A distraction for the monkeys? Yes and Yes! The cards are dated, the women in the pictures are more then likely dead, they are definitely social security recipients, looking nothing like their five minutes of boobie card fame. The monkeys don’t give a rat's ass, there was tits and nipples, "Hawaiian" women with sand and water.(I use the term "Hawaiian" loosely, if some flowers, leaves and Hawaiian print fabrics are the deciding factors for "Hawaiian" then lay me). We played a couple hands with that deck, till 1000aire noticed it was holding up the game and banished my nudie card to the cash game table.

Fourteen players showed up and I was ready to kick some ass, I tossed some of the ugliest hands I've ever seen, kept getting Two Seven off suit as my holds. I tossed, tossed and more tossing. I came up slowly off some newbies, and the players were dropping like flies off of the other table, so we joined the other table. I hit some really, really good pots and I was sitting pretty… Then NOTHING, I went cold, couldn’t get a hand, nothing was going for me. I was getting blinded out, smalll blind five chips, small blind ten chips, things were looking grim, the I got some decent holds, ace jack off suit, I called all in, 1000aire called me with his pocket sixes and took me out at fourth place, only first second and third made money.

I did how ever join the cash game for twenty bucks and went home with One hundred and five bucks, so I came up sixty over all. I'm still in the green.

Slacker!

2006-05-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

Got Got
4/30/06

Canceled my Venice Beach art show plans in order to get some much needed R&R. I was taking it easy before boredom set in, I began itching for something to do. My brother asked what my plans were and when I said nothing, he offered to take me with him to a friend’s house to play cards. What the hell, I didn’t have much else going on.

When I walked into the Bachelor Casino, Anthony and Alfred have obliviously been living in this condo for a while. The poker table took the entire living room, it has a permanent largeness, surrounded by the most interesting blue tube of lights around the inter edges of the table that screamed “I’m a Poker/Stripper table and I’m not going ANYWHERE”!
I took a seat and watch the eight amateurs try to keep up with each others game. Poker is a group effort. Who is big blind? Who is small blind? Did everyone get two cards? Burn and turn!
At the Monkey Casino the chips are a flat fifty cents, when playing with The 562 Long Beach Poker crew, the play twenty five cent chips color and a buck for the solid yellows, these kids were playing a buck a chip. I had their numbers, alright, and I racked up my chip, hand after hand, they bluffed and called with queen high card, I murdered them… till Dario, my brothers old football buddy had some muthafuckin beginners luck like his rent was due. After pocket kings he cleaned out Anthony, after pocket aces he cleaned out Alfred, after pocket queens he cleaned out the cute white boy sitting across from me who I had already worked for plenty, after I semi flashed him on my deal. Then I was my turn, mind you had started with twenty bucks and I was now up one hundred and thirty dollars, my holds were pocket jacks, how the hell can this punk beat me… answer: with pocket tens and a ten on the river, that was it, I was done, I had called all and got got!

Tag Team
5/4/06

Mi Boy was no where to be found, Chadwick had the game managed.. I walked in with a "play it smart" attitude, take my time, play premium hands only.
The Laker game was raging and the men were distracted, the fact that women can multi task worked to my advantage. There were nine players last night, pay outs were 1st $150.00 and 2nd $50.00. As if I were in a jungle the monkeys, yelled, moaned, jumped, high fived, shook heads in despair. All the while I was slowly robbing them, like a smart thieve, five chips here, two chips there. Came up big slowly, but for some reason Brian was whipping my ass. If I came up on a big pot, he took it from me three hands later, I think because I was under estimating his game. Brian is a weak player who gets lucky.

I took Chadwick out, I took Chuck out. Chadwick’s girlfriend “Hot Nicole” played with us, she took Dom out of the game, it was just the three of us, Brian, Hot Nicole, and myself. Hot Nicole is about five six, one hundred o' five, blond hair blue eyes and is cute as a button. Now that all the boys were gone, Hot Nicole and I we hitting on Brian, he was paying off like a hittin piñata, hand after hand, he gave all my chips back and when he left the table with a hard-on we knew we had showed him why not to fuck with two hot chicks after a hundred bucks and it’s probably a bad idea to tell them you haven’t got laid in more then five months. After a few hands the chicks split the pot and agreed to compare new shoes this Thursday.

Three Sum

2006-04-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

We hit maximum capacity at the Monkey Casino’s Thursday Night Twenty dollar weekly tournament. Eighteen people showed up, nine and nine. I started really strong, took two monkeys out then stole one from table one, chip leader it was time to merge and as easy as the chips came, they were gone, I came in sixth.
Made myself another drink and wiggled my way over to the cash table. Cute Paul had already lost his cash so there was an empty seat. Twenty buck down, cards were looking ugly, burning right through all my chips. Ten more dollars please, shit hand, shit hand. Hum this hand looks playable for a buck, no raise, Ace Three suited. I was in, White Devil raised it to five, ok well three more chip to me, pitched three chips and practice my new chip trick, flipping the last chip off my thumb and down my pinky. The flop came three, seven, three. Gotta love trips ace high kicker. In position, I bet two, setting a trap for white devil. He bet it up to ten, I called. Next card Jack, I bet ten, he called, river THREE, oh crap, I had four of a kind! I bet twenty, White Devil thought I must have been bluffing this whole time, and there was no way I had the three. He raised me up twenty more, I called my all in for ten more chips, he called. I walked away with one hundred dollars ten hands later, I don’t like to win and bail but it was two in the A.M., the alarm wakes up at six. Nice come up.

Some Monkey Loves You

2006-04-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

In the middle of my matinee, if felt a rumble in my pants. Semi exciting at first, then very exciting as the vibration was the phone with “Mi boy” in the ID.
Sunday evening at the Monkey Casino is always pleasant. Eleven players showed up, and we broke it up to two tables.
Straights and flushes, even landed a full house on a huge pot, we merged to one table. Eight left playing. Dahmer took an enormous pot off my hands with my pocket queens, he had pocket fuckin Jacks and rivered my ass without any lube, Jack to trip him up. Grrr. I came back strong and took him out two hands later. The others dropped like flies.
I some how revived a suffocating Pauly and he was strong and back in the game. Mrs. Para, Pauly and I, shuffled chips between each other. Four hours later we decided to split the $220 pot. I got 90 being chip leader and they got 65 each, not bad for a Sunday clean up.

Stung

2006-04-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

Sub zero temperatures at the Monkey Casino Thursday Night Tournament, I was COLD. Couldn’t get nothing going, was up by maybe 25 chips at one time. Bust early and decided to join the cash game. Don’t make the cash game usually because my tourney life is typically long, by the time we are done it is either, past my bed time or no seats available.
Business was slow, only thirteen people showed up to play. Pulled out my twenty grabbed forty chips and had a seat.
Oh how my luck changed. Holds were kind. I quickly doubled then tripled my stacks. Peace man is a horrible player but insists on playing, there is no way dead money is ever turned away. I took a ton of chips for Mi Boy, 1000aire and Stoner. Dahm came to jump into the mix. I sat with about two hundred and forty chips, cleaning up hand after hand. Flopping two pair, or high pair with a good kicker, hit a flush, smoking the boys who had been talking shit on me throughout the tournament. How easily they forget Sunday, then I plucked each one out of the game. Mrs. Para confessed I am her nemesis. I don’t know why when it her fault for chasing hands. If you don’t have anything after the flop, RUN! Fishermen do get lucky but not often enough to make it to the money.
Having fun, laughing and keeping tabs on the tournament still being played at table one. Fatigue began to take over. Decided to leave, my chips were slow dwindling away and I could hardly keep my eyes open. While waiting to cash out, I dealt one last hand. I had Ace Ten and called the small (this is where I should have raised it up and didn’t) Dahm called. Flop came King, Ace, Six. I bet twenty, Dahm called. Turn was an Ace, Dahmer calls “all in”. So now I’m sitting there with three aces, what the hell can I do but call One hundred and ten chips, that is Fifty five dollars, of course like a dummy who was half way out the door I called. Dahmer was holding Ace Six, a full house, my only change was a king to split or a ten to boat myself, neither came. Bummed and exhausted , I went home with fifty bucks. It still hurts.

Big Winner Chicken Dinner

2006-04-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

After a stressful day of eating and napping, there was a nine thirty game called.
The Para’s house is Sunday’s site. Following a World Poker Tour marathon on ESPN, my itching to play was strong.
Twenty dollar buy-in, it was a small tournament of six. Chadwick must be on tilt, he’s play was weak and on the first hand I snatched half his stack. Practicing a much disciplined style and trying to change up my game, because frankly I’m tired of 1000aire being able to read me. No amount of reading would help. I had him beat every hand we played against each other. Eventually I took him out of the game. Dahmer stung Chadwick, shortly after I slowly rip that booty from Dahm. Took Mr. Para out with pocket Jack’s, when 1000aire called all in when my holds were Ace, Jack. I called with little hesitation. Last standing players, Mrs. Para and I, going heads again. Mr. Para was going nuts. Trying to coach her game, she wasn’t very happy about it. I had a huge chip lead, and when she declared “all in” I had no choice but to call, I was holding pocket aces, and although I had seen them get cracked all day on WPT, I went for it. Seconds later, I was the tourney winner $120.00. Good thing, it was midnight and I was tired. I somehow have got to get my Sunday game in sync with my Thursday skills, the pots are so much better.

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies!

2006-04-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

Yes ladies, plural, five in total. The pretty girls are a lot easier on the eyes the then Monkeys are. Seventeen players were in for this tournament, for some strange reason I was the only female at table two. I didn’t play too many hands in the first half of the game. I threw a lot of crap away. I kept myself busy by talking lots of shit, having a cocktail, showing my once burnt now tan chest to the table.
Short stacking, playing conservative, and smart, I waited for good cards to try and double up. Successful a few times, stole a few blinds and before I knew it, it was time for merging tables.
When I took a seat at table one, I had a nice view of the stacks of chips that out weighted mine by a lot. Deal after deal, my holds weren’t looking very good. The river wasn’t kind. When I had a flush, my rival hit houses full Kings over fours. I was pissed but still in the game, slowly I build my wall of chips up again.
Down to just four players, only three would be walking with cash. 1000aire was on fire and plays very well. Chadwick’s girl friend was dead money that came up on a lucky hand. Chuck was riding my coat ass. I had a killer hand and try to take him out, but ended up doubling his ammunition.

Now tied for fourth, I was dealt pocket sixes, I raised up the bet to twenty five chips, 1000aire called. The flop came six nine king, I went all in, 1000aire called. We flipped over our hands and this muthafawker had pocket nines. I was done.

I had a really good time last night, maybe because it’s been a while since I’ve seen the final table, maybe it was all of the petty ladies gracing up with their presents and nice smelling perfume. Where the hell else would twenty bucks entertain me for three hours?

Hey, Charlotte you we’re right.

Monkey Casino Invitational

2006-04-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

Ten dollar five person tournament sounds weak, yet I rather enjoy the initiate atmosphere. Only the mega regs got a call, 1000aire couldn’t make it so, Pauly, Mi Boy, Dahmer, Stoner, and myself, saddled to the eternal poker table.
Eight O’clock is a bit early for the norm, but we had late night drinking plans. The boys get real raw in small groups and I love it because they give up information about what they really think about certain women we all know, like shitty nick names they have given to girls or when she looked good enough to “make a mess” about. Dirty boys, rating chicks day by day, “Saturday Kristin look pretty good, but Thursday she look like she got hit by the ugly express”. Fuck I better start sprucing up every game. I always figured they really didn’t notice, apparently they do. I told them I never want to hear about any nick name I get that represents my short comings. I love being one of the guys.
Dahmer had his tooth removed and was in major pain. When people are in pain, they should not play poker. Like a flock of birds, the weak and wounded will get pecked and picked, till they are dead. Dahmer was the first out, my hands where shitty but I was being patience. Stoner was out next, I was short staked. Pauly burned a nice pot off of Mi Boy and started bragging.
“Pauly” I said “Don’t start getting all cocky”, Pauly look straight into my eyes and said “Brandywine, I don’t have to be cocky, I have a big dick” my internal smile was now an external permanent fixture, I was blushing. How dare he distract me, through me right on tilt, the next hand I surrendered all my chips to big dick Paul. Touché!
The game ended shortly after that and we made our way to “The 40” where we met up with 1000aire, Roman and a few other players, I had lots of beers, talked about the party at the races. The bar was packed, we stayed pass closing which is way too late, yet by the end of the night the only thing I thought was, does Paul have a big dick?

Equestrian Chimps

2006-04-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

Excitement woke me up early Saturday morning, but not the same way boys do. I took a very diry shower and got ready. It's Dreby day. I knew about twenty people going to the race track, and I told them to stop by the party which was a couple of yards away from the MicroBrew Festival.

Mi Boy, Pauly, Roman, Cute Paul, Gilbert, White boy Dave, Gorgeous Gorge, Dahmer, and 100aire represented. Monkeys can sure put a lot of Vodka away, not my favorite beverage, but free is free. I bet a couple of races, missing money but one horse every time. 4Th Race I had the first two horse but my third didn't show. Sixth race thru the eleventh race I picked three out of the Million dollar pick six. I decided to lay off the betting and focus on the drinking, I should have focused on the burning. Sun block to only my face proved not to be a good move for this quarter Caucasian. My chest is charred.

After the races ended we headed to the other side of the track, there is a bar that has a live band, it was a “Police” cover band and they sounded great. My sister came with me, and by this time the monkeys were turning into vultures swarming us. We high tailed it out of there, most of them stayed, some of us went to play poker at the Para’s house.

Chadwick who hadn’t made it to the track came to play poker, his head was hurting and he had given up before the game even started, good for me because he gave up all his chips to me. We played a 7 Card stud tournament, which I love. The later it got, the more players showed up and put the pressure on to end the game in order to start a new game. The pot was $120.00, I was chip leader and rather then play it out I gave Mr. Para forty and I kept eighty. A new tourney started but I was way too burnt out to play. So I went home and crashed out pretty easily.

April Showers

2006-04-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

Tournament Stakes for April 6, 2006 at the Monkey Casino
$20.00 Buy in- no re-buys
Fifty Chips all of the same denominations

Take a good whiff… Smell it? It’s me and I stink. Breaking some serious personal golden rules at last night tournament, which busted my ass quick and hard, normally a good thing. No.1 Never play the first hand. Did, flopped high pair, board was two, six, ten, holding ten queen, I raised five. “Lawyer Dave” called. Rule No. 2 never play against “Lawyer Dave”. He never bluffs, always a race because you can’t bluff him out either, and it was too early for my flirting skills to be effective against him. It was only the first hand. “Lawyer Dave” Raised it to ten. Why did I play? Don’t know, but I do know he had tens also, but with better kicker. Half of my chips were history.

Now winning your friends and their money is fun, but you then have revenge to deal with. Taking four guys out at the Sunday game, I was the victim of some nasty spite play. 1000aire was hot on my trail, a couple hands later I was on the big blind, someone raised four chips and fuck it, I was already in for two, had and ace of spades in my hand, along with a shitty little four, saw a flop. Flopped a straight. Five, Three, Two, showed up, 1000aire went all in. Hoped he didn’t have a higher straight, yet I called. 1000aire flip over a set of fives, his hand, three of a kind, and lots of out to get a full house, on the river he did. I should have known the dealer had it out for the lady. X was on the spite play too. X always deals me crap, new rule No. 3 do not play when X is dealing!

Last nights pot was huge, and would have been a nice addition to my weekend. This will be my first Saturday off in four months. I have got to quit one of these jobs. Anywho, I’m going to try my luck at the track. Santa Anita Race track, Derby Day... ahhh takes me back to Dad’s weekends. There will be a Micro Brew, a Birthday party for “Pauly” (a regular at the Monkey Casino), Lots of friends, and bet’n the ponies, what a perfect Saturday off, if I get laid it might be the best Saturday this year yet.

Fiend is Friend without the R

2006-04-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

Jonesin for some poker all week long, we got a game going on at K.P.’s and J.P.’s house.
When “Cute Paul” was playing as reckless as usually, first hand of the game he was out, he then rallied to get a re-buy. Re-buys, extends the game and allows frivolous all in calls. The group hadn’t agreed to any re-buys before the game so the answer was no. Paul was bitter and retaliated with a curse to lose for me and the four other anti re-buy voters.

The start was gross, trash showing up in my hand every deal. I thought for sure I would get blinded out. I was patient, I was coy, almost got called out on a MAJOR bluffl, survived this poker tourney. Played it like a champ, Paul hung out trying to jinx me. One time I misread my hand. 100aire went all in. Could have swore I had ace queen, called his bet and was pretty upset when I took a second look at my holds, ten queen, funny thing, I ended up with a full house and took his ass out! I took X out, I took Dom out and I took J.P. the only person left was K.P., she’s a relatively weak player, not enough experience, but any old lucky hand could have wiped me out, we played till we were about even and split the pot. Thank God March is OVER; I won 100 bucks, and practiced a serious poker face.

P.S. I Love You

2006-03-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

8:30am Sunday morning, the sound of “push – it” blared from my charging cell phone. Peeling one eye open, I was about to rip, who ever it was calling me that early on my only day off, a new asshole. The phone displayed “Dad”. For my father to be calling me at all is short of a miracle, I pick up. “Hi Daddy” I managed to whisper, with my voice half gone and my head a bit sore, one too many Bacardi and Diets last night “Brandi, get up, lets go to Palm Springs for the day.” He shouted, way too much energy for eight a.m. “Hell yeah, I’m already in the shower!”

Palm Springs is a favorite local get-a-ways, beautiful weather year round, a good crowd, yummy food and to sweeten the deal, a brand new casino.

Word of a new poker room at the Spa Casino had me very interested, I checked it out. It was more like a poker corner, no tournaments to play, I decided to come back later. I went looking for other trouble, sashayed my skirted ass through the casino and took a seat at the 3 card poker table. Played a few hands, couple straights, couple flushes, a few pairs, I always play “pairs plus” kind of like a bonus game. Singing Peggy came to say hi and took a seat at the table, she started razzing me about not playing the Jackpot for a dollar more a hand. “What’s wrong with you” she harped “you don’t have a damn dollar” I rolled my eyes and asked the dealer for Jack Pot dollars. The Jack pot rules are Royal Flush of Spades won the progressive pot of $8,474.00 dollars a Royal Flush of any other suite paid 10% of that pot. Plenty of hands went by, singing Peggy had to bail, I stayed on. Playing with the same one hundred eighty dollars the whole time, at thirty dollars a hand, I was pretty proud of myself. Then it happen……Clubs Ace King and Queen. I yelled out “FUCK ME”! The dealer hushed me and when it was time to flip over my hand the table went wild…. I won $1,3070.00 10% of the progressive and 40 to one on the pairs plus. So much for March’s bad luck…. I bought the table a round of drinks, collected my money, hung out for a short while longer and made my way to the room for a nap. I know when to walk away.

Nothing Good

2006-03-24T14:48:00.000-08:00

An eerie calm loomed over an uneventful night at “The Monkey Casino” The fellas were in an instant funk about the NCAA games. So this morning while taking my very dirty shower, I contemplated. What the hell am I going to write about? I considered making something up, like…..

It was the last hand of the game, Chadwick went all in, I took it a step further, and I called and added something to the bet. If he won the hand I would pick up my skirt and let him spank me in front of the whole casino, and if I won the hand, he’d have to do the same, but take down his pants because he wasn’t wearing a skirt. I do fantasize about that kind of thing, mostly because I’d love to show them my great ass and secondly because I’m a pervert.

Or perhaps

A police raid interrupted my winning game. Just when Chadwick and I went heads up, twelve police men in riot gear tore through the unlocked screen door. Ordering us all down on the ground, the cops realized it was just a small home game, they joined in the cash game on the other table and I ended up winning the tournament.

Concluding, it’s ok that nothing good happened. I did unhappily lose all my chips to Chadwick last night. He was all in with Jack Queen off suite. I was holding Ace Ten of diamonds, flop came and he pair the board with his Q’s, then I paired the board with my ace on the turn, slamming my hand down and yelling “FUCK YOU”! I’ll be a monkey’s fucking uncle if he didn’t get his second pair on the river Jack has never been a friend of mine!!! I surrendered every last chip, knocking all the stacks over, some as far as the floor. Chad smiled the whole time, saying “I don’t care how these chips make there way over here, bitch.” The chip knock over is a signature Chadwick move but I pulled it, I was bitter.

Competition

2006-03-20T09:38:00.000-08:00

“Do the Lakewood game people play better then us”?

“No, they play just as crappy”

“Do you yell at them for playing bad hands”?

“Yes”

“Do you like playing with them better then us”?

“ahhhh, no, I hate playing with all of you the same”?

“You mean you hate losing to all of us the same”?

“Fuck you”

“Haha, don’t get mad baby, I’m sure there isn’t a hot chick there who has a crush on you”(wink)

“No, but I think one dude might”

Madness

2006-03-16T10:57:00.000-08:00

I made the reckless decision to play midnight cash game at “The Monkey Casino”. The monkeys were in a hype for March Madness. Endless conversations regarding online betting passwords and high toned why’s, if’s and when’s. I enjoy seeing the guys so passionate about something.
Sports center blared over the radio and chatter, each of them pleading their case to me in order to gain my support, all the while reminding them over and over I don’t have time to watch college basket ball, although “I think number 12 cute. B-ball white boys are hot”, that’s about the time I lose them.

Luck hasn’t really changed. I walk away with a whole seven fifty in the green, no change in the pot so round down to an even seven bux. Hardly worth the three hours had I spent there, or the lack of sleep plaguing work day now, but it has never been the money that brings me back. The camaraderie of my somewhat peers is good for me, it keeps me balanced and open minded to the obvious differences between men and women. I don’t need winning hands to know, I’m a very blessed and lucky girl to have so many such good friends.

I suck

2006-03-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

I suuuuuck…… if you can imagine the word “suck” with five syllables, that’s me. Had a Tuesday game this week, since we are degenerate gamblers an eight person tourney can spark up at anytime. I should probably avoid poker this month. If I could, I would, and if there was ever a sign that I should, it would have been last night. Pathetically enough, a bad month cruse would be responsible for out come of the only two hands I played, I lost both. First hand I lost to a Straight on the river with half of my chips in with two pair, Kings and Jacks. Second hand I lost pocket Aces to my pocket kings, to the same prick! That was the end of my game, I did hang out and talk shit watching the rest of A.I.

We are going to play tonight instead of Thursday. Drunks need to be in top form for St. Patty’s Day. Everyone is Irish! “Mi Boy” is a Manager the local watering; it should be a good time.

I should probably stay out of the game tonight, but I won’t. Maybe the Ides of March will change my luck mid month.

Hen in the cock house

2006-03-10T11:17:00.000-08:00

Oddities from The Monkey Casino.
For starters, I was drunk. I followed my normal routine, home from work, did some writing, took a shower and headed to “The Forty” (my favorite watering) bout eightish before the poker game. Sounds normal right, no something is missing, I didn’t eat dinner, so once I got to the Forty had three 22oz of Michelob ultra with lime juice Nine O’clock came quick and I was feeling good! Not my style to get fucked up during the week, because frankly I’m just too old to start my weekend on a Thursday. My game was horrible, I basically got blinded out. I couldn’t get a winning hand to save my life, but whateva, I think the entire game was on tilt because of oddity number two.

“Mi Boy” is “dating” a new girl, cute as a button, cool as hell but doesn’t play poker. I could really careless about that fact, except she sat at the poker table, it kinda through a weird spin on the game, because she was sitting there, we played two tables, at 5 and 6 people to each, which is just ridicules. A tournament should be at least nine to ten people per table. The blinds were ever fifth person, the odds were not good five handed. As all the men ogled Mi Boy’s new squeeze, I was bitter that the tournament was contouring to this hen’s choice of seat. In her defense she probably had no clue she was in the way, and the guys want Mi Boy to get laid so bad that they wouldn’t dare say anything, like “sit behind him and not at the table”! I knew March would suck, just my luck there are five Thursdays in March, Deftones concert on the 30th so I’ll be missing loss.

Made an early exit, I was drunk, tired and needed to get laid myself. Should have just stayed at the bar and sent my 20 bux with 1000aire, there was a semi cute boy buying me drinks.

Thursday Ban

2006-03-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

Busted early last night, only ten players, I was fifth out.
March is gonna be a bad one. Even made it a point to wear extra low cut top. That only seemed to pay off at the bar before the game, I scored three beers.
Sad leaving the table early, missing sitting there, felt as if I was bounced out of the VIP room.

New house rule at The Monkey Casino…."No Smoking cigs inside" . The guys were devastated but understood. Although “Mi Boy” is a smoker, he laid the law down. Banished to stand out in the cold and take game breaks. I think it was a good move!

O.G.MB won the tourny last night, hitting the hands hard, playing a grandma game, meaning, even if my grandma sat in that seat she would have won. Unfortunately somewhere along the lines the vodka got a flowin and O.G. MB downed one too many, shortly after the end of the tourney he lost all his winnings to the cash game…..

Boobie Tuesday

2006-03-01T15:05:00.001-08:00

Tuesday is not the regular poker night, but while in the middle of rubbing my money tree, I got a call…. It was Dom, “ K.P wants to play at her house tonight….are you in?” K.P is the wife of one of our regs. She lives a block away from the Monkey Casino and since she has three kids, we play at her place so she can join in with out leaving her tribe. Typically we have a small game when playing at K.P’s house, just the close "Homies", last night is was Dom, M.B.,1000aire and me. No faster then when the money I made in my pocket as I was on the poker table. (K.P.’s Kitchen Table)

Having another woman to play with is empowering. K.P is not as seasoned of a play as I, but she knows what she’s doing. Sometimes I want to reach out and help her bet bigger when she has the best hand, but house rules “only one player per hand” basically means, no HELPING anyone. It can cause lots of drama if you coach grown-ups, how to play a game they put their own money into to play.

Playing with just the "Homies" rocks, our Thursday game has gotten so huge, so it is nice to just hang out with the original crew. Small and intimate is a good climate for a Tuesday night .

I won, 100 bux….Last hand; Heads up w/1000aire. Pocket 8’s against pocket Q’s, we were both all in before the flop, then the 3rd 8 flopped last. O what joy to see 1000aire go from 2-25 on the anger scale. God bless me lucky charms. Feb was a good poker month for me, I think I won about six hundred bucks. March is an odd numbered month, I don’t seem to do very well in odd numbered months…. Good luck to me!

The Monkey Casino

2006-02-27T16:54:00.000-08:00

I have personally dubbed our home game location “The Monkey Casino” basically because I play poker twice a week with a bunch of monkeys. This title derives from constant misdeals, string bets, pot splashing, side pot confusion and game delays such as somemonkey knocking their entire stack of chips into the main pot.

Here’s the line up.

“Me-Boy”, and or Timmy Me-Boy, it’s his pad, he’s way neurotic and tries to keep the chaos and messes to a minimum. Unsucessfully.
“Dom”, nicknamed after J Dahmer, there are so many damn Daves this nickname just stuck, he’s not a cannibal, gay, or a killer
“Novella”, this is what Spanish Soap Operas are called, because every hand is drama, he can’t decide what to do fast ever, and then ends up folding the hand anyway.
“O.G. MB” simply meaning “Original Monkey Business” this guy never deals a clean hand, always bets nutty, with uneven stacks that need to be counted, and loves to raise big with gut shots. Drives me nuts!
“Chadwick”, its just an add on to his real name, but lord he is my nemesis, we always go head, but I notices don’t lose as much to him when I flirt and sit next to him.
“The Thousandaire” Nick- named for all the casino tourneys he’s entered and won, cash in the thousands, he is one of my favorite players, because he plays a very traditional game and get angry when the newbies play against him and win with crap, the anger is so entertaining.

We play with more guys, but they haven’t gotten nick names yet.

Last night we played some ten dollar tourneys. I was dealing, the very rare occasion accrued, I had a slight misdeal. I saw the card I was tossing across the table and confessed to the recip I had seen it. One of the guys made a comment “she’s honest”. It made me think.
Believe me, I am not honest, but I have honest integrity, and I’m honestly competitive. I trust my skill and have confidence in my game, I couldn’t cheat if I wanted to.
Wish I could say the same for the rest of the crew! BTW I lost all three tourneys, maybe I shouldn’t have started drinking Mimosas at breakfast.

Poke This

2006-02-24T09:23:00.000-08:00

Lady Luck has a nice sound, being the only female at the weekly poker game, hosted by the town bartender has simple perks.
Having big boobs and wearing low cut tops doesn't hurt either.
I'm sure the men filter themselves a bit, but over all they are pretty raw, I enjoy hanging out with men, they don't talk about celebrity gossip, they don't bother with complaining about their home life, kids, wife, etc.
They talk about the hand that's being played, a bad beat they suffered at the casino the night before and sports.
I recently asked if they could all smoke cigarettes at the same time so there would be some clear air time, but like always they laughed and ingnore me.
I've acquired a poker nickname, well two actually, I've won a few Poker tournys and have the poker respect that out weights acceptance.....FEAR.
I like when I'm trying to bluff someone out and another player reminds the table that I'm a forced to be afraid of.
I love taking people out of the game.
I like when I bet big pre flop and the players drop like flies... I must say, the money is nice but only a small bonus to compare to the WIN!
Women can not physically compare to a man.
Men are by nature just much stronger then women, but in a fair fight, brain & skill Vs. brain & skill it feels good to walk away in first or second place.
Sure I drop sexual innuendoes when ever I get the chance, put my hand on any knee close enough, or get dolled up sometimes, but poker is a game where anything goes, house rules apply and being naturally sexy isn't breaking any of them.

I went to Vegas this past weekend, I played a tourny on Sunday morning of 59 men again being the only female, I came in fourth, and mostly because my friends were texting to hurry back for check out.
The players that had gotten knocked out stood around to watch me play, taking men out, I must have taking seven out myself, I had to stop myself from being nervous because well I had really good hands.
I won a hundred fifty bucks, but it meant nothing..... Watching the other 10 out of 56 that hung out after they were done was the real win for me!
They lost to a girl!