Skunkin Tuesday

Unbelievable amount of bad cards can only lead to a seventy five dollar debt. Bad news for me, I didn't know when to walk away or when to run. I was convinced if I just stuck around a little longer my time would come. My time never came. The only play worthy hands I got were pocket Jacks once and got cracked. Another time I had Ace Queen suited, and Cory cracked me with a pair of nines…NINES for Christ sake.
"He" was there, sitting next to me, not talking, not playing many hands, and when "He" wasn't looking, I stared at him, hard. My eyes detailed his profile. That beautiful face was mesmerizing. An aroma of conceit lingered in his lap, although after a few careful-not-to-get-caught stares at his crotch, I was convinced he has a small penis. Too bad, just one more loss that night.

Monkey Fish

8:15 p.m. Bank of America: Five twenty dollar bills
8:25 p.m. The 6740: One 22oz of Michelob ultra w/Lime Juice, curtsey of Maryanne.
8:57 p.m. Circle K: One 44oz of Diet Coke and one 5th of light Bacardi.
9:07 p.m. The Monkey Casino: Thursday night Tournament.

Let the cards fall where they may, I was ready for tonight. It was a full house, 18 players, the pot was huge, and with my "end of summer get-a-ways plans", I was thinking big picture.
The average shit talking started up about our records and how we need to start logging who won what and blah, blah the same conversation every week. I'm easily the loudest player, because well, they rarely pay attention to me, so I have to shout most of my proclamations.
I was a very patient player, I allowed the competition to eliminate each other while I laid back and watched the low kicker confusion, the semi serious arguing, guess there were too many Monkeys in the house at once because they were aggressive.
At one point we lost a player every 15 minutes and I had only won one hand.
Lawyer Dave had been out of the tournament for a half hour before he came to sit by me. I was dealt and when I looked at my two hold cards they were K 2 off suite. Lawyer Dave said, "I'll pay 40 bucks to go all in with that hand", first thing out of my mouth was " ahh yeah, prolly not" He said "Why not, you'll be up 20 bucks if you lose". I thought about it and agreed. After all it is gambling right. So I went all in, one caller with about 20 chips and just like that, I had four of a kind, K's and Lawyer Dave couldn't have been happier about it. Went bragging to the other table, then it was time to merge. It was early and I was no where near chip leader. The four of a kind help me a little but I was still a major under dog.
The best thing that can happen at a poker table is: You are the big blind, nobody raises and you flop a full house with crap cards. Fourth hand after the merger my "best thing" happened. I knew it was my pay day. I slow play this and hoped the ace that came on the turn would help someone think they were winning. Two callers paid me 50 each, now I had some bully ammunition, and I pushed. Pushed them off hands, bluffed them off hands, knocked two players out, then there was three. Ernie, X, and The Lady played as tight as a 40 year old Nuns. X was short stacked, Ernie and X went heads up on a hand. I went to pee and when I got back it was all over. Ernie and I were about even, he had a few more chips but was will to split the pot, $180 each. It was a great pay out for me.
Over to the cash game, that had been in my back ground for the past three and a half hours. I joined with twenty bucks.
ENTER: W. Stoner, Thee Monkey Casino Official Mascot. Naturally he is Stoners olde,r shorter brother, where he lacks in altitude, he makes up for in volume. He grabbed the room's attention when he stormed through the front door with a bottle of something cheap in one hand and a big bag of dead fish in the other. Fish talk has been running ramped all over town as of late, with all the good local fishing spots thriving. I fish, I love to fish and more than anything I love W. Stoner for bring the bottle that got all the Chimpanzees loaded. W. doesn't play cards, he pours drinks, talks to who ever isn’t in the hand, stares down my shirt shamelessly. At one point he announced he felt my boobs were getting smaller. Distracting the table from a very important hand, in order to have a round table discussion on weather it was the bra, the shirt or were my boobs really shrinking. Still being in this hand that had about forty bucks in it, I took full advantage and started sharing in the analyzing of my current cleavage. Pulling and tugging on my shirt, exposing my bra from side to side, watching the saliva slip to the corner of lips. Almost exposing my nipple, watching their eyes as they mental fondled my tan lines. Needless to say I won the hand and convinced W. Stoner to break me off a slice of raw yellow tail he brought in. Before ya know it we were having a regular old late night fish fry. W. Stoner passed out (over) cooked fish, and raw fish to the whole table. I briskly followed with tooth picks as not to end up hearing about a fishy smell from the deck of cards. I would, of course be to blame. After lending Chadwick twenty bucks and counting out all my hard earned cash, I then went home at a more decent hour then usual, got myself off and past the Fawk out! I'm up $240.00 fat ones and it's going straight to the Royal Caribbean Cruise Ships Casino. Double up.

Tonight

I'm really excited about tonight's game. I have so much on my mind, it will be a nice vacation to concentrate on something other than work, men, moving, money, gifts I haven't bought, my excessive tardiness cause by late night poker. Yeah it's a vicious cycle.

Vera vs. Svetlana

If I would have made the time to post last weeks Thursday night game it would have went something like:
Brian brought this super hot Swedish chick to the game, why he even let her out of his apartment is beyond me cause I sure wouldn't have. This girl is beautiful, young, tall, very thin, bright blue eyes, short dark hair, thee most adorable imperfect K9 tooth enclosed by some hot pouty plump lips. The Swedes body reminded me of a model from an erotic art magazine, her breast were absolutely perfect as she so generously sported a small black, spaghetti strapped tank top without a bra. Skin so fair and shirt so low, nobody, including myself, couldn't focus on the game. We were trying to teach her to play, something I might have protested against if she hadn't been so pleasing to the eye. Her sexy Swedish accent had us hanging on her every word. The monkeys were beside themselves. Naturally I was an ally, and what the fuck Brian was doing with this easy 9 was shocking, so were gonna have to chalk it up to her being a foreigner.
Lyn, who I began calling Svetlana, couldn't keep up with our conversations, although she spoke English very well, we talk fast ghetto fab west coast slang.. Svetlana looked lost most the night, even though she had given up trying to understand poker. She sure was good at blocking out the men, harassing her with question after question. They reminded me of nine year olds at mall Santa's picture station, spiting out every last request before their two minutes of lap time expired. I ended up losing my ass that night, in debt 20 buck I borrowed from Dahmer A.K.A Uncle Dave along with my forty dollar buy in. Needless to say Svetlana was the best thing I saw all night, because my hands were pitiful.


Flash forward to last night's game. This could very well be the best come back in Monkey Casino Poker history.

Lets take it from the top, Brian brought Svetlana back, still as smokin as last week but lacking the award winning cleavage. This time she played, knowing very little about the game, which is a major hold up because her knowledge is extremely limited. The basic poker rules are the easy part and she didn’t even know that, in fact she knew so little she had no clue that you need five cards to make a hand. So by the third deal, Brian was sitting to her right, he folded and looks at her cards, not big deal, but then he reaches into her stack of chips and raises the blind from two to six, not cool right, I mean I didn't ask her to play, it was only twenty bucks, she was getting her poker feet wet. I wasn't having any of that MB (monkey business) So.. I laid it down pretty sternly to Brian. "You can't do that Brian, C'mon, I mean you can give her the options she has, call or raise, but you cant be in the game and play two hands" Oh Brian didn’t like that, he snapped back at me pretty harshly and was being a complete asshole, the other guys at the table conquered my opinion, but it got really bad with Brian's anger, we argued the boys had to calm us down. He was so defensive because he knew he was wrong. Helping is one thing, and if he wasn't playing, then hell, help her out all you'd like, but don’t be raising up all crazy rude with someone else chips. It didn’t end there, he was after me and all my chips, he announced he was on spite play against me and was gonna do what ever it took to get me out of the tournament. And boy did he, three hands later I called all in, he called just to spite me, I called and he rivered his flush against my flopped straight. I was down to two chips, and things weren't looking good for little Miss Rule follower. Three hands went by that I folded. I had two fucking chips I was pretty much a sitting duck. I got an ace, five hold cards, I call all in, because the pot was looking like the best odds I could hope for with my two chips, everyone was in the hand, they pulled my side pot of twelve chips and continued to bet. I won that side pot, then two hands later I got pocket queens, went all in. Brian still on spite play called me, I was sweatin it because he rivered a flush on me last time I went all in, but not this time, nope, I won. Twenty eight chips up. Next hand Brian went all in. I called his bet, I had seven, ace of diamonds, Brian had Jack Nine of diamonds and here came the flush.. (Insert flushing sound). So I was now 66 chips strong and made a come back all the way to the final two and ended up splitting the pot with "Mi Boy". Svetlana actually did pretty well, not that she knew what she was doing but beginners luck is what draws them in every time. Last note Dahmers said my new nickname is "Vera" because apparently that is the only female on Planet of the Apes. Good times. I played some cash game, came up a little and before I knew it, it was three o'clock in the morning. I high tailed it out of there and was only one hour late to work. Gotta scratch that habit.